I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy, so when people ask me, “How the f*ck did you get that drunk?”, I say, “No amigo, the real question is how did I get this sober.”. But when I’m high, I’m always lying on the floor, so when someone asks, “You’re that high?”, I just say “Dumbass.”

Death. Am I scared of it? No. I was raised that way. My grandfather taught me to face eath as it is, and be balanced with other levels of the world. So now, here I am, reckless, with no fear of death, stupid and smart at the same time, with more senses than a normal person has.

A whole chunk of my life- no, my whole life, has been full of weird shit. My mother’s crazy for perfection, my dad’s an awesome chill bloke, and my sister the Jerry to my Tom. I have friends, which I can’t mention. We run together as a squad, as a chalk. We drink, eat, drive, and whatnot at the same restaurants, functions, pubs, and the same shooting ranges. Seems pretty normal till you live it.

Suicide. I, look normal, if not England-ish, as some say. Many would say I’m the innocent genius kid senior. No sir, I look like a kid, but I have the same mind as my 20-yr-old friends do. And more than once have I looked at death as a solution.

I don’t fear death. Many a time, when in depression or heavy stress, I’d sneak to my friend’s place, find his semi-auto or revolver, and drive off to some remote place. I still remember the taste of the metal in my mouth, the pressure of the snout against my head. I’d put my finger against the trigger, and my life would flash before me, then I’d hear a click.

My friends know my tendency to over think things, and just want to leave it behind, so they’d always leave their guns empty, at least their sidearms, where I know to find them. So every time I’d try, I get a click to tell me ‘Dude, you’re young. Live, die later.’ It works. My friends would watch me every time, and as I awoke from depression, they’d pat me on the back, and hand me a beer.

Some friends they were.

The Alter Ego. The Dark Side. The Second Life. All three, in certain cases are one. In mine? The last two. Outside, I’m England. On the other side, I’m me. It was hard adjusting to it in the first place. Then I got used to it. But what I found harder, was to adjust to the fact that I renounced it. I kept trying to come back to it. And it almost pushed me off the cliff known as Sanity into the chasm of Insanity. It screwed around with my life. Having a shitload of money in one life, and being an average joe in the other, is hard to adjust to very. It’s around two and a half years since I decided to put an end to it. And after trying to go back, after trying to revert, and after a few unfortunate in incidents, I finally succeeded in sailing into friendly waters and anchoring myself there. In doing so, I dragged down many casualties. Relations, friendships, and my friends themselves.

As anchors are, they can be removed. I have, a couple of times, thought of doing so. But then I thought back, of how hard it was for me to get anchored here. But what if, the tides grasp me once more? What if the waves plunge me into the deepest darkest chasms in the sea of chaos? There is nothing, I suppose, nothing I can do, except believe, that in chaos lies order, sanity, and peace, and try to follow, and hang on that lifeline in the darkness. But I sure don’t hope it will come to that.

Hey dad, It’s your son. I just wanted to say something to you. You may have not be the perfect father to me in the eyes of other people, you may not be the best guy someone else has met, but to me dad, you’re a great father. In fact, you’re my perfect father. As tough as you can be at times, as angry as I am with you, I still love you dad. You’re a great guy. That’s a fact that to me, will never change. I love you pops. Thank you dad, and happy father’s day.

Lots of Love,

England

P.S. and dad, my answer to your question all those years ago, is no, I am not embarrassed to hug you in public, walk with you in public, etc. Because you’re a great father, and I am not embarrassed to have a great father.

And just like that, February dies, and gives way to March. February had been quite a rough month for me.

Early in the month, on the 5th, to be precise, a close friend of mine died of stress and heavy alcohol poisoning. Quite a shock it was. He just turned 17 in January. I spent the next two weeks helping with his funeral and wrap up all the loose ends he left.

The week after, was Valentine’s day. The Prom Committee, which I am a part of, had to arrange the roses, free clothes day, etc. So long story short, we all had quite some work to do, especially me and San San, my co-president in the PC.

The weekend of Valentines (18-19th), I got drunk. I mean drunk, as in senselessly drunk. In my history of drinking, never have I gotten so drunk that I couldn’t think straight. I then went on to make a couple of stupid sentences on twitter, and drank some more. I only fell asleep Sunday noon. For the next two weeks, I was plagued by headaches as a result of a night of heavy drinking. After one week of hellish torment of headaches, on the 26th of February, I swore to never in my life ever drink as heavily as I did. And also to put off whisky for a whole month.

The same day I made the Alcohol Promise, I got a new BlackBerry. And I bought my sister one. Problem was, we had to drive all the way to Cibubur to find a store with tbe product we wanted.

My father’s birthday was on the 28th, and we got a ton of cake.

So that’s February.

The first highlights of March, were my aunt’s birthday, and the wound I obtained on my thigh.

Well, it’s been quite a year for me. Skipped a grade, my dear great-grandmother’s deeath(may she rest in peace), broke up with a longtime girlfriend, cheated on, , etc, etc, etc. Point is, that its been a challenging year. Nevertheless, it has been, in some ways, quite enjoyable. I’ll miss the good, bad, sad, happy things that’ve happened this year. And oh, some say the world’s gonna end in more or less a year. I think the Mayans just didnt have time to count 2013, but well, we’ll see. Anyways,

Merry Christmas

and Happy New Year.

Bull. Shit. One of the damned sweet little phrases Anne used on me. Maybe she did love me when she said it, but later, instead of me breaking hers, she broke mine. What she broke? The Heart.

She’s a nice girl. I loved her, and never expected she’d do what she did. I thought she was, was, it just never crossed my mind that someone like her would betray anyone. Then she did it. I was surprised when I found her with him, in her room. Shocked I was. Not knowing what to do, I just when right home, and hell, I didnt know what to do. I just stood in my backyard, as if looking at the trees, with my mind flushed out, empty of everything, except confusion.

The next day, I took her out for a “date”. Broke up with her, and left her there.

Bout a month later,  I got this girl. Terry. we were fine at first, everything went smoothly, but I was still in shock. I had long episodes of thought, and eventually, it started bringing me and Terry apart. Eventually, we never even talked anymore. And during the pathetically short relationship, I never brought the subject of Anne up. It was just painful. And because of the pain, I kept on going back to the last truly happy moment I had with a girl, Jen. It brought forth many, many memories, and with it, many, many emotions. It just welled up inside me. It was just. Too. Painful.